Taking a piece of her heart
by Jinxgirl
Summary: AU. 23-year-old Santana still has love for Brittany and knows nothing will ever happen with Quinn, but when a third woman expresses interest, it seems this one, for once, might actually be interested too.
1. Chapter 1

Notes: This is AU, taking place when Santana is slightly older and going back to school. Meeting Dani in a different way. Actually taken off a rp of mine.

For as far back as she could remember, Santana had hated group projects in school.

Even in high school, back when she would have advocated group versus individual projects publicly, she had hated them secretly, because she had never been entirely sure of how to balance her need to look like she didn't actually care about doing work or getting a good grade versus her actual desire to do well. It was her inclination back then to let someone like Rachel do all the work while sitting back and talking to Brittany, but there had always been that undercurrent of worry that the "dedicated nerd" wouldn't do a good enough job or that she would understand that Santana was actually doing the part she had been assigned- just not anywhere or at any time where she might be observed doing it. It used to genuinely stress her out to be up until three am finishing her work the night before, simply because she didn't want to look like she was trying too hard to finishing too early.

She didn't care about her image to the extent that she would go that overboard to try to prove something so silly anymore- at least not in that exact department. But Santana did still hate group projects, for an entirely different reason. Whereas once, she had pretended to have no time or interest in completing her work, now, between rehearsals, school, and job hunting, she genuinely did have to struggle to find the energy and time to do so. Once, she had hidden her academic inclination to be "cool," now she genuinely did sometimes struggle with her work. Once, she had worried that someone would be able to tell that she was actually doing the work; now, she worried she would be stuck with all the work. But the worst difference: in high school, Santana had had plenty of friends and connections for her projects; in college, she had made exactly zero friends. Among her classmates, she was one of the "old" ones, the ones who had already had a round of flunking out and coming back, and she didn't live on campus. Her classmates all knew each other from parties and dorm life and got along easily; Santana didn't know any of them, and for the first time in a classroom setting, she felt that she was the social outcast.

Lately, she sort of felt like that in general. It wasn't accurate, she knew that; her stupid therapist made sure to point out how "inaccurate" most of her thoughts and feelings were every time she went to see the woman, plus publicly proclaim it all over the internet too. But it did feel like it was true. She didn't do much with Puck since they fought so much, and he wasn't much of a social butterfly himself. Rachel was too busy to really hang out, and so was Blaine, and Quinn always preferred to do things with Puck, or at least that's how it felt to Santana. She didn't know Marley or Jake or Sebastian or Sam well enough to do much with them and hadn't actually gotten around to offering, and she and Kurt weren't exactly the types to hang out together just because. Santana no longer went out partying or clubbing, whether with herself or others, since the shooting, so it was difficult to meet anyone new, even for a hookup. She was 23 and not really into hanging out with the college freshmen and sophomores that were in the majority of her classes, even if some of them were sort of hot, and besides, she still had both Quinn AND Brittany continually on her mind. How was she supposed to get anywhere with Brittany if she was looking towards someone else, even if Brittany did say she didn't want to date her?

It was so confusing, what she thought and felt about them both at the very same time, in somehow different ways. Brittany was the love of long term, deep, quiet, and a constant dull ache that hadn't ever left her over the years apart, bittersweet but not an open wound. Quinn was more recent, and somehow more intense and painful, because she had not yet learned how to live around it. Santana knew that she was only driving Quinn apart from her, the way that she was with Puck, as jealous and upset as she let him make her, but she couldn't seem to help herself. It hurt, really hurt to see her choosing him over her, as logically as she knew that this was the only reasonable thing for a straight girl like Quinn, who had loved Puck for years, to do.

Everyone in her life seemed to think that she should move on, make new relationships and really try to be a nicer and better person. It wasn't as easy as they all seemed to think, at least for Santana.

The last place she would have thought it could even possibly begin to change was during a group project at school.

She had noticed Dani before, of course.

She would have to be blind not to notice someone like Dani joining the class just a few days ago, mid semester. She was entirely too attractive not to. Dimpled chin, beautiful smile, curvy in all the right places, and wicked tattoos up her arms- "faith", birds in flight, which made Santana extraordinarily curious as to the meaning. Santana had overheard her mention to someone else that she played the guitar and sang, and that made her all the more interesting to her. And best of all, she set Santana's gaydar off, hard.

Santana hadn't actually spoken to her before; she didn't even know her name. The girl looked a little older than their classmates, like her, but she wouldn't place bets on it, nor did she approach her. Her luck with the ladies lately was at an all time low, and she really wasn't in the mode to want to deal with another rejection.

But when their professor announced a group project, then assigned partners randomly, through a rare and miraculous stroke of actual luck on her part, Santana ended up paired with Dimple Chinned Tattoo Guitarist- Danielle, or Dani, as she had quickly corrected him. And when the girl waited for her after class, asking her, with that all too gorgeous smile of hers, if she wanted to go for coffee after her rehearsals that afternoon to split up parts, Santana hadn't exactly been upset over it.

Puck had told her she needed to up her game with the ladies, she needed to make them feel beautiful and special and be nice to them? Well, maybe she couldn't seem to do that with Quinn or Brittany, but she could at least PRACTICE on Dani. No harm no foul, right?

Of course, her first efforts at "upping her game" had flopped hard, as only Santana could have managed.

She had tried her hardest at pointing out the things that she was most interested in and attracted to about Dani, meaning to compliment. But her flirting ability was either rusty or nonexistent, because nothing seemed to come out right at all.

"I like the tattoos…so, was that weird for you? The whole faith thing, what with being gay?" she had asked first, gesturing towards the tattoos on Dani's arm. They were sitting in the booth of the diner just outside the school that evening after Santana's dance rehearsals, Santana still clad in her leotard with a loose skirt and jacket overtop, and she was pretty sure she had noticed Dani's eyes scan up and down her body as she greeted her with that chin-dimpling smile.

To Santana's horror, Dani had looked at her straight-faced, no pun intended, and said very seriously, "What are you talking about? I'm not gay."

She must have seen the near panic in Santana's eyes, because she had laughed then, even reaching out to touch Santana's wrist reassuringly, and Santana had noticed her fingers lingering before she removed them again. "I'm kidding, I just thought your expression would be funny. No, totally gay. And as for your question, it's not really about that, so much. For me, the birds, they're freedom, being totally okay with being totally me- all of me, gay and all. And faith? That's being free too. Knowing that things will work out, as long as I have the peace and understanding of me to work them out myself."

"Oh…that's cool…philosophical. I like it," Santana told her, relieved, and she gave her a smile back that she hoped was less awkward than it felt. She hesitated, then reached out to lightly touch one before withdrawing her hand. "Most of the kids around here, they get a tattoo of a middle finger on their ass while they're stoned or something…so it's cool it has more meaning than that for you. I guess it's kind of weird for you, to be, like, over 21 and bigger than a size 2 in a school with all these scrawny little eighteen-year-olds running around in tutus and leotards and everything?" was one of her first efforts at being empathetic, which caused Dani to raise her eyebrows across the table at her, tilting her head to one side with a faint twisting of her lips.

"You calling me old and fat, Santana?"

Flushing, realizing then how that had sounded, Santana had immediately shook her head, putting up both hands as though to protest her own self, feeling her face redden with as much irritation at herself as embarrassment. She really did suck at this.

"No, no, I'm not! Just, you know…everyone here is jailbait and so skinny, and…you know, you have hips and boobs that I'm pretty sure no one bought…right? I mean sometimes it's hard to tell, I bought mine but I swear they're shrinking, sucks they didn't even last ten years as much as Papi paid for them, and…it's not like you're that Gilbert Grape mom or- oh god, shoot me," Santana lowered her face into her hands with a groan, genuinely embarrassed. Why the hell did Puck have to be so frigging right?

She fully expected Dani to bitch her out or else walk out, sticking her with all the work. But what happened instead was that Dani's gentle fingers reached out, pulling her hands down from her face, and when she raised her eyes up to her, confused, she saw that the other girl was still smiling. That by some miracle beyond her understanding, she was actually amused rather than offended.

"Hey," she said softly. "I get it. Relax, Santana…it's okay. You don't have to try so hard."

It was contrary to everything anyone ever told her, everything Santana herself believed. All her life she had tried so hard to be so much, to be better and smarter and sexier, to be the most wanted and most needed and most loved, to be everything and everyone but what she genuinely was. All her life she had had to struggle just to be okay, let alone happy, and she was still struggling every day. No one ever seemed happy or satisfied with her, and she certainly wasn't' with herself.

But here was this girl, telling her that it was okay. Telling her that she didn't need to try. And somehow, hearing it from Dani, she can almost believe it.

Even the pretense of working on their project was abandoned about that time, and by the time Santana almost floated through the door of her apartment a few hours later, Dani's brief but all too sweet kiss goodbye still lingering on her lips, she couldn't seem to stop smiling. She was confused, very, very confused, but certainly not unhappy. Maybe it didn't make sense that she could feel much for so many people, maybe it was ironic, that she, the supposedly heartless bitch, seemed to be constantly collecting more and more women to take up a piece of her heart, but this was the first one that actually seemed to want to take a piece of hers too.

Falling back onto her and Quinn's couch, still grinning to herself, Santana took out herphone, not caring how uncool it was to text two seconds after parting. Puck's advice still in mind, she texted Dani quickly, keeping it simple.

"I think you're beautiful."


	2. Chapter 2

This was definitely no longer casual dating, nor was it a one night stand; the fact that this was the third time in a row that it had happened, that this time had been planned and taking place while both were completely sober, had to mean that she and Dani were headed in a "relationship" direction, and Santana didn't know how to feel about that at all.

Their first time having sex, she could have shrugged off as hormones taking over, unplanned and barely under control; after all, it had been quite some time since she had sex at all, the last time being with RACHEL, of all people. The second time had been while both of them were rather drunk, after Quinn's Halloween party, and that could be dismissed too. Drunk people were obviously horny, and since Santana had planned to spend a good amount of time avoiding the party itself as it was, retreating with drinks to her room with Dani had obviously meant that sex was going to be a strong possibility.

But this was the third time now, this had been planned and sober, and each time had been better than before. That definitely meant something.

Santana didn't love Dani. She was pretty sure of that, but the spark was definitely there, the potential. She was attracted to her, she coupled up well with her, both sexually and otherwise, and she admired her for her confidence, her talent, her intelligence, for the person she was. Dani made her feel good about herself, she made her feel that she had a lot to offer in a relationship outside her body and her sexuality in a way that few had before. Dani made her feel not just sexy but actually pretty, more comfortable with herself when walking with her, and she made her feel wanted not just for sex but for herself, all of herself- even the dorky, awkward, and needy parts of her that Santana disliked, the parts that she didn't want other people to know about or see. Dani made her feel like those imperfect parts of herself, those parts that were softer and messier than the rest, could still be okay to other people, that they could still like her all the same even knowing they were there.

Dani was amazing, and when she was with her, she made Santana feel like she thought that Santana was amazing too. But even so, sometimes when she looked at Dani or touched her, or let Dani touch her, there was a disquieting feeling of guilt, even discomfort, in the back of her thoughts. Guilt towards Dani, guilt towards Brittany, and Santana didn't know what to do about it, or how it was fair to any of the three of them for it to exist at all.

She felt sometimes, when kissing Dani or even so much as holding her hand, that she was somehow cheating on both her and Brittany, that she should be completely separating from her in the time period where she was unsure. But how could she pull from herself something that made her feel so good, how could she hurt Dani like that if in the end, she might come back to her regardless?

This thing with Dani, it could end up serious, and Santana thought she might even want it to be. She didn't want to risk or lose something good for even a few days, and so even as she continued to struggle with her own decision, she remained with Dani, trying to give her no indications that she was anything other than fully focused on her.

The problem was, that there was so much about this that was outside of Santana's control, and this was what she hated. Although she usually put herself out there as a person who was daring and careless, reckless and impulsive, who went with the flow and didn't think through consequences, in reality, Santana was very much concerned with having and maintaining control as much as she possibly could. Having control made her feel comfortable and safe, as though her life could be determined exactly how she wanted it to be, and she had fought to have it for as long as she could remember over as much as possible. She tried to control her social status in high school, others' perceptions of her, her body and her weight, other people and their decisions, even her own emotions or at least how much she let others really see them as she really felt them. It was the times in her life where she felt the most out of control that she made the worst decisions, usually taking out against herself or in the form of being cruel to other people, and lately, Santana was starting to feel that helpless sense of a lack of control coming back over her.

She couldn't control her own thoughts, her own heart, and that meant that even if the choice was within her control, the fallout was not. She couldn't predict the outcome of anything she might do, and that terrified her. So she tried not to make any decision, even as she knew this was a decision unto itself.

As she lay in her bed with Dani, the sheet loosely twisted around their hips, leaving the rest of their bare bodies exposed to the room's cool air, Santana curled herself closer into the other woman's chest, her head resting against her shoulder as she idly stroke her hand down Dani's spine and over her backside, occasionally giving a gentle squeeze. Dani was caressing her as well, running her hand over her back and shoulders and occasionally drifting up her sides as well, and she occasionally scratched her lightly with her fingernails, neither tickling nor a massage, but somewhere in between both.

Earlier Dani had kissed her way down the length of Santana's body, starting at her forehead and working her way slowly down to her ankles, until Santana was limp and nearly panting with pleasure. She hadn't paused or even seemed to blink over the scars marring Santana's hips, upper thighs, and lower abdomen, and she hadn't asked about them or given them any sort of special attention or recognition at all, but neither had she deliberately avoided them. Instead she had included them in her caresses, running her hands over them without hesitation as she had the rest of Santana's skin, as though it were no different and every bit as smooth and flawless, and she had still kissed the skin near them and occasionally the scars itself, continuing her attentions as though they were entirely unremarkable. The only acknowledgment, if she could call it that, had been that when Santana drew in a shaky breath, tears coming briefly into her eyes before she blinked them back, was that she had reached for her hand and squeezed, even as she didn't cease her administrations.

Now as she lay back with Dani, post coitus, she should have felt very comfortable, very relaxed. The sex had been good, the best so far, and Dani was warm and soft and obviously very attractive, and very attentive and sweet as well. She should be fully enjoying her time with her.

But despite all that she knew she was holding herself with some tension, and she felt weirdly close to tears without really letting herself know why.

Perhaps five, ten minutes passed between them in silence, with the two women simply holding, stroking each other, before Dani spoke. Smoothing Santana's hair back from her forehead, she tried to meet her eyes even as she kept her arm wrapped around her.

"Santana, talk to me. What's wrong?"

Santana exhaled, deliberately dropping her eyes, and shrugged, turning her face into Dani's shoulder and giving her a quick kiss on the neck. She was aware of her heartbeat increasing even as she responded in the negative.

"Nothing."

"I can see it in your face, Santana," Dani contradicted her quietly, shaking her head, as her fingers continued to stroke through Santana's hair. "I feel it in your body. What's wrong."

Santana bit the inside of her cheeks lightly and remained silent, not knowing what to say, not trusting herself to speak. She could feel Dani watching her, trying to read her, as the girl's fingers continued to lightly stroke through her hair, and the guilt she was already feeling intensified. How could she let her be so nice to her?

Dani was silent too for several moments, perhaps giving her time to decide what it was she wanted or needed to say, before speaking up, her voice soft, hesitant, but gentle. She continued to caress Santana's hair as she spoke, her fingers lightly scratching at her scalp.

"Are we moving too fast for you, Santana? I know we haven't been together for very long, and sometimes it can be a lot of pressure, to move as fast as we have. I don't want you to feel like I'm expecting more from you than you're willing to give. So if you just let me know where your comfort level is, and what page you're on…then I can be right there with you. Because I want to be. I want us both to understand exactly where the other person is coming from…okay? I don't want you to be getting scared."

God, she was so sweet…why was she so sweet? How could she be so perfect?

No one had ever said anything like that to Santana before, while dating or after having sex or any other reason. Everyone had either assumed they knew exactly what she was feeling, which was of course whatever they wanted her to feel, or else they didn't care at all and wouldn't have been bothered if it turned out she was feeling differently than they wanted or expected. Just for Dani to ask her and to genuinely care, to be willing to adjust her behavior to make Santana more comfortable, was a huge deal, and yet all she could feel, hearing her say this, was more intense guilt.

She really didn't deserve this.

"That's not it, honey, I promise," she tried to reassure Dani, briefly meeting her eyes and trying to smile at her. "I'm not scared, you're not moving too fast. I love it, I love everything we've done. It's nothing to do with you."

And it wasn't, really. What Santana thought and felt had nothing to do with Dani and everything to do with herself and with Brittany, and that was exactly the problem.

Shit Dani didn't deserve this. She was lying in bed with her, totally naked, having just had amazing sex, as her girlfriend cuddles up to her and plays with her hair and promises her basically whatever she wants or needs. She could not possibly ask for more. She could not possibly expect more. So why the FUCK was she not absolutely thrilled, why couldn't she just shut down everything but Dani and how amazing she was?

"But something is wrong," Dani continued softly, and her hand drifted from Santana's hair to her face, lightly rubbing her thumb over the other woman's cheek. "You said it's not me, so then it must be something with you. What's in that head of yours?"

Santana's eyes dropped away from her again, and Dani's followed their direction down, towards their bodies. She must have thought that Santana was looking towards her own abdomen, because she breathed in slowly, seeming to be thinking of how to respond, before slowly placing her hand on Santana's hip. She didn't move her hand, not at first, but simply kept it there, monitoring her reaction as she spoke to her again.

"Is it uncomfortable for you to look at me and touch you in some places, or for too long a period of time?" she asked quietly, keeping her hand lightly on Santana's hip. "Because I do it because I think you're beautiful, Santana. All of you. You told me I'm beautiful to you…even if I'm old and short and fat," she let her lips twist into a smirk, referring back to their initial conversation, and as Santana's eyes widened and she started to contradict, Dani put her free hand over her lips, shaking her head with a smile. "It's okay, sweetie, I know you don't think that. But not every person in the world would think I meet most people's definition of beautiful-"

"Most people are fucking idiots," Santana said heatedly, even as Dani kept her hand over her lips, speaking over her.

"But you do. And you're beautiful to me too. All of you."

Watching Santana's expression carefully, Dani let her hand drift over her hip, gently rubbing her thumb over the curve of her closest scar, tracing it with the lightest of pressure. Santana felt her heart almost melt at this gesture, and her lips curved into a small, soft smile, even as she held still, letting Dani move as she'd like. She was so amazing…she was really incredible. She was-

Then why was it that what flashed into her mind then was her conversation with Brittany the day before, why was it that she wondered then if Brittany would be able to look at her and do the same thing? Why was it that she was starting to wonder if Brittany would be able to say the same words and mean them sincerely?

Santana drew in a sharp breath then, thinking, and Dani quickly withdrew her hand, returning it to the side of Santana's head. "I'm sorry," she said quickly, "I should have asked."

And now she was making Dani feel bad on top of it…what the hell was wrong with her?

"No, no, I'm sorry, it's okay," Santana tried to assure her, even as she knew her own expression was probably not exactly soothing. "This is stupid."

"It's not stupid, Santana," Dani was playing with her hair again, shaking her head. "Everyone has something they're insecure over. You have the right to decide what-"

"No, not that…this," Santana tried to explain, waving her hand around herself vaguely, encompassing the bed, the room, and both of them in one gesture. "This is stupid….I'm sorry."

She didn't realize how that sounded until Dani frowned at her, her hand stilling against her head as she tried to understand what it was being said to her.

"This is stupid? What exactly is stupid, Santana? Us? Me and you? Sex? Is this one of those times where you make yourself sound like an ass because you can't come up with the right words, because I have to be honest, I really hope it is."

"It is, it is!" Santana said quickly, starting to sit up so she could turn to look at Dani more fully. "At least, I think it is. It probably is?"

Damn it, she was doing absolutely nothing to help her case, and the way that Dani was staring at her, she wasn't doing much to reassure her either. Taking in a deep breath, Santana lowered her eyes, letting her shoulders fall forward as she tried to pick through her own thoughts…and when she came to a decision, she felt tears come to her eyes. Blinking them back, she reached out, taking hold of Dani's hand, and squeezed, forcing herself to look back up at her. Dani was sitting up now too, watching her with something between concern and suspicion, and it was hard, so hard to say her first few words.

"I'm sorry, Dani…"

"I'm starting to get a bad feeling about this, San," Dani interrupted, quiet, but her eyes were narrow, her tone tight, and Santana pressed her lips together tightly, struggling to find words.

"I'm sorry…it's just-"

"Let's skip all this and cut to the chase," Dani said abruptly, shaking her head and removing her hand from Santana's grasp. There was space between them now that hadn't been there before, though Santana couldn't remember either of them moving. "I know we were…only sort of officially together…but…are you saying we should stop? Is that what you're getting to?"

Santana took a slow breath in, released it, reluctant to say the words so plainly, and yet Dani had already spelled them out for her.

"I'm…I'm not being fair to you," she said finally, hearing her voice shake and hating it. "I…I really like you, Dani. You're talented and gorgeous and amazing, and you make me…you make me feel…"

"But you don't love me," Dani finished for her, her voice still very quiet, as Santana faintly tasted blood inside her mouth and realized it was from her own self, still biting at the inside of her cheek.

"Not yet," she started to say, as Dani cut her off again.

"Not yet…but there's someone else that you do already. Right?"

It took all Santana's effort to nod without letting any tears spill over, without reaching for Dani's hands. "Yeah…I'm sorry."

She watched, pained, as Dani took several breaths, then nodded slowly, seeming to be pulling herself into control as well before she spoke. "Okay…okay. Santana…you understand that this is the worst possible timing for a break up? Ever?"

She gestured towards the bed, their unclad bodies, and only then did it hit Santana that this was perfectly true. Heat colored her cheeks with her renewed horror and disgust with herself as she muttered back, "…I do now…"

"I guess I'll go then," Dani said, starting to get to her feet, and as she turned her back to Santana, reaching for her clothes, Santana caught a glimpse of her face, of the sheen of controlled tears in her eyes…making it that much harder to keep her own back.

"I'm sorry," she repeated. "Dani, really-"

"Me too," Dani replied, turning her head just long enough to give a crooked smile. She hesitated, then let out another breath, swallowing. "I hope she'll live up to what you need…I don't really do grudges, Santana, so…maybe after a while we can try for friends. And if this…with her…if it doesn't work out, well…I don't know. There isn't a lot of awesome lesbians like us around, so…who knows, right?"

It was so beyond clear by now that Santana didn't deserve this woman, but that statement was about the final straw for her of proof. She could only nod, then impulsively reach out to grab Dani's hand, squeezing hard. Dani squeezed back just for a moment, then let her go, turning and walking out her door. Santana waited until she heard the front door close before she turned over, buried her face in the crook of her own arm, and let herself cry.


End file.
